Hi-- I've not written this article. This came to me by mail and i just just cutted and putted it!! :)
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If Karan Johar made Taare Zameen Par
Obvious starcast:
Shah Rukh Khan as the arts teacher (duh duh duh!!).
Aryan Khan as the dyslexic child (even if he could not act for
nuts).
Rani Mukerjee as the kid's mom (assuming Kajol is unavailable).
Abhishek Bachchan as the kid's dad.
Amitabh Bachchan as the school principal (who cares if the role is
ultra minute, he can afford it).
It would be shot in New York to appeal to the NRI audience.
The story line would obviously be different. SRK would fall for the
dyslexic kid's mom. The last scene would have the mom running to the
teacher rather than the kid. And again, like in so many other
movies, SRK would get someone else's girl.
It would have one dance number.
The film would be titled ' Kuch Taare Zameen Par.'
If Sanjay Leela Bhansali made Taare
Obvious starcast:
Salman as the teacher.
Rani as the mother.
Of course the whole film would be shot on elaborate sets. The school
would be nothing short of Harvard university.
An orchestra would play every time anyone cried.
Slow motion, different camera angles for every scene.
The school uniforms would match the classroom walls even though that
does not make a difference.
The film would cost 60 crores.
If Farah Khan made Taare
Obvious starcast:
SRK as the teacher (yawn).
In the original Taare, Aamir makes an entry at the interval point.
In Farah's version, SRK would be on screen on for 2.30 hrs out of
the 2.45 hrs and would be introduced in the first scene itself.
The story would be changed to make sure the above happened. The
focus of the film would be a teacher who helps a kid fight dyslexia.
To make it a complete entertainer, there would be a romantic angle,
comedy, and action thrown in. Oh idea!! Nikumbh's character likes
another teacher and the kiddo helps him.. throw in some comedy
moments there and you have romance and comedy settled. For action..
hmm.. lemme see.. oh yah, the kid gets kidnapped and the teacher
fights the baddies to save him. Wow!! I'm quite an imaginative
writer. I can see how Farah can write a film from scratch in two
weeks straight.
The film posters would have a big SRK with the tiny image of the kid
in the background.
If Rakesh Roshan made Taare
Obvious starcast:
Hrithik Roshan as the teacher.
Since Rakesh Roshan cannot think beyond science fiction these days,
this film would have that too. Instead of dyslexia, the kid would
have alienositis or something, a condition induced due to him
witnessing an alien abduction.
Instead of Nikumbh being an arts teacher, he would be a physics
teacher, and instead of asking kids to be creative, he would ask
them to challenge the science we know.
In the scene where Nikumbh asks the kids to open their minds and
make whatever they want outdoors, the kid Ishaan, instead of making
a boat, would end up making a working spaceship prototype.
Nikumbh would cure the kids problem by making a full fledged version
of the kid's prototype, traveling to the alien planet, and asking
them to give the kid his powers back.
The film would have music by Rajesh Roshan ripped off from some
world music.
The film's name would again start with a K.. probably ' Kkuch Aliens
Taaron se Zameen Par' .
The director would make sure Hrithik gets to show all his abilities.
This would mean a scene with Roshan jr flexing his muscles, and a
dance competition in the end, instead of an arts competition.
If Priyadarshan made Taare:
Obvious starcast:
Akshay Kumar as the teacher.
Paresh Rawal as the kid's dad.
It would be a brainless comedy. The kid's dyslexia would be made fun
of. Half the times the parents will be running after the kid from
one room to the other and that, in the director's opinion, would be
funny.
The film will be full of sex jokes. So for example, when Akshay
would come to the parents telling them that their son has dyslexia,
the ignorant father would say something inappropriate like 'iss umar
mein? par kaise, woh to hamesha boys school mein padha hai!'. And
yes, the director would think it is funny.
In the climax of the film all the characters in the film would run
around in the amphitheater for no reason, spilling colors on each
other. That's where the film will end, without any logical
conclusion.
And of course, Paresh Rawal would emote like an epileptic himself
making us question the boy's mental abilities anyway.
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